Shipping Error Sends Explosives to ISS Instead of ISIS

Photo Courtesy of NASA

The latest re-supply rocket that was sent to the International Space Station had an unexpected parcel aboard, in the form of about fifty pounds of Semtex plastic explosives. The astronauts weren't in any danger, because the compound is very stable unless rigged to a special blasting cap, but they were quite confused.

The package's intended destination was the ISIS military group in Iraq. It's believed that a combination of the similarity in the acronyms, the poor reliability of shipping companies in post-Soviet nations, and the difficulty in visually distinguishing processed rations from the putty-like explosive compounds resulted in the mix-up. The mistake probably would have been caught if not for the mission having been rushed, due to the recent launch failure of the last resupply mission.

It's currently unknown if ISIS received the packages of Russian carbohydrate/protein bars that were supposed to be part of the resupply mission payload. KeyWeekly sought out a representative of their organization for comment, but has yet to receive a response.

What the astronauts aboard the space station are going to do with the Semtex is also unknown. Considering the overwhelming cost of sending supplies into orbit, they are planning on possibly doing some experiments with explosions in micro-gravity and ultra-low atmosphere conditions. Experiments done very far away from the station itself, obviously.

"We're scientists who ride into space on tin cans filled with explosives," said flight engineer Douglas Schelling. "We're not quite as worried about having this stuff kicking around as you might think."

Maker of Tinder Designing App for 2016 Election

Test image of "Voter" application

In order to get more Millennials involved in the democratic process, the Federal Election Commission has contracted IAC/InterActiveCorp to develop a voting app that operates similarly to their popular dating application “Tinder.” The intention is to use the system in the 2016 presidential election. The hope, according to the FEC, is that with people able to vote for candidates from the convenience of their phone, using a fun interface, they will be more likely to participate.

Some are worried about the security of using wireless, online networks, especially in light of the recent break-ins of a number of Apple Cloud accounts that are owned by celebrities. IAC has assured critics that their security measures are much more reliable than people realize.

A representative of the company, Cheryl Chan, made a case that digital voting is at least more reliable than the absentee mail-in system: “There, you have a bunch of retired people, hired from a temp agency, spending eight hours a day comparing signatures on envelopes to signatures displayed on a computer monitor. Our security software doesn’t have poor eyesight, get tired, or get bored, so I’m pretty confident.”

Most opponents aren’t dissuaded by this, saying that the entire concept undermines the seriousness of the action. “Electing the leader of a nation isn’t something you should do in-between texting and watching Vines,” said Dominic Sanchez, a former California state senator, who is leading a non-profit group demanding that the FEC repeal the decision. “Voting is a civil duty, and should be done with a knowledge of the weight behind it.”

FEC administrator Kevin Palmer dismissed the concerns. “The data shows that people put about the same amount of thought into how they pick their president as they do choosing who to hook up with on a dating app. Not very much.”

Groot Speaks New Line in “Guardians,” 3K Fans Kill Themselves

Poster property of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

It was one derivation too many.

Deeply mortified by the many unfaithful renditions of favorite comic book characters on screen, 3,201 fans killed themselves Thursday night in the traditional Japanese disembowelment ceremony. The incident took place all across America as they walked out of theaters right after watching the new Marvel Studios film, “Guardians of the Galaxy.”

What pushed them over the edge was Vin Diesel’s performance of the character Groot. The character, which is a super-powered, sentient tree-person, has never before in any medium said anything besides “I am Groot.” However, there is one scene in the film where the character says something slightly different. It created a very powerful moment in the story, but that wasn't justification enough for many.

“We just couldn’t handle any more,” said Jeff Barry, one fan living in Los Angeles who chose not to kill himself after going to the midnight showing last night.  “We were already pretty broken up over all that Thor-becoming-a-woman, shock-publicity [stuff]. Then DC gives Wonder Woman a Xena outfit. And now this, violating Groot. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this anymore.”

Jeff has been ostracized by his family over the dishonor of his cowardice in refusing to partake of the suicidal rites, he said to KeyWeekly. Both Marvel and Disney reps have issued statements of sympathy over the disappointment, but they have elected not to edit the scene out. Disney marketing executive Linda Post’s argument was simply, “Frankly, it makes the movie better. And almost no one cares.”

Editor’s Note: Not long after the interview, Jeff’s family called up to thank us for reaching out to him. Soon after he spoke with KeyWeekly he sliced open his belly in front of the Marvel Studios building in Burbank, restoring his honor.

"Parks and Rec" Undermines Pay for Play, Says SEC

Image © NBC - Universal

The US Securities and Exchanges Commission recently charged NBC-Universal and Amy Poehler with a $20M penalty, citing that the popular comedy program "Parks and Recreation" has propagated the idea that a government can accomplish things through hard work and authenticity.

The suit specifically takes issue with the show's propagation of the idea that law change and elections can happen outside the current, well-established methods of paying millions of dollars to indoctrinate critical opinions and viewpoints into the people. The fear is that this could destroy lobbying and the other complex systems through which governmental action normally takes place.

The SEC made it quite clear that they weren't exactly condoning unfair manipulation of the electoral system. Quite to the contrary, the $20,000,000 is meant to help cover the losses the SEC expects to incur if politicians begin seeing success through other than corrupt means. Without politicians and lobbyists executing corrupt practices, the number of Pay for Play violations each year charged for such practices would decrease significantly, as would the number of violation penalties the SEC can charge.

SEC regulations typically require politicians and lobbyists to play a complex game of cheating and bribing, with the belief that as long as they play within the rules, no one gets caught. Authenticity would destroy this carefully designed system. If political groups no longer play along, the SEC's specially designed accountability may no longer be necessary. 

"At the end of the day, we're talking about people's jobs," said Alexandra Wary, a PR representative at the SEC. "A bureaucracy this dense takes a lot of people to keep running. You try and change things, you'll put hundreds of thousands out on the street without work. NBC, apparently, doesn’t seem to care about those people."

NBC and Poehler have yet to comment. 

Hurricane Season Cancelled Due to FEMA Budget Cuts

From Wikimedia.

In order to recover funds during the current fiscal year, the White House mandated that the Federal Emergency Management Agency cancel the Atlantic hurricane season for 2014.

This period of the year, which begins in early June and ends in late November, is usually when people on the East Coast of the United States have to be very cautious and prepare for high winds, heavy rain, and flooding. The season can be especially destructive in the Southeastern corner of the United States. In just the four years, various hurricanes have caused multiple deaths and over one hundred billion dollars in damage. Because 2013 was a very light year for hurricanes and hurricane-related damage, the decision was made to forgo the season altogether this year.

"It's a relief," Sean Bodel, owner of an independent hardware store in Miami, Florida, said about the cancellation. "But it will hurt my business a little. Won't be going through duct tape and plywood in droves during September as much."

Not everyone is happy about the decision, however. International contractors who often win government contracts for repairs needed after a hurricane are speaking out against it. Billions of dollars go into such repairs, and the loss of government business will be a tough pill to swallow.

"These are a regular part of our sustenance," said Jeffry Johnson, a representative of URS Corporation. "You can't announce information like this right as the season was supposed to start. It's very irresponsible. These are local, American jobs being lost that we're talking about, here." 

ADM Compensator Helps With Waking Up

Photo by Christopher Klutts, via Wikimedia

If a person doesn't enjoy getting out of bed in the early hours of the day, they're usually just labeled as "not a morning person." Recent research, however has suggested that this could be a symptom of a more serious condition.

Anticipation Deprivation Malady, or ADM, is estimated to afflict 20-50 million Americans on a regular basis. A lack of anything to look forward to in the day causes a drop in chemical messengers in the brain that usually trigger a feeling of alertness and focus. Most people deal with this by drinking caffeine-rich beverages, but regular use can lead to a chemical dependence that over time can cause its benefits to become negligible.

A company based in Alaska, where sleep issues can be very severe due to the strange daylight patterns during the summer and winter, has developed what they believe to be a solution. DayDream Inc. has been doing tests with their DDA-04, an ADM compensator device, for the last three years. And the results look promising.

The device stimulates the emotions that would come with a person having something they’re looking forward to in the morning. Levels start at 1, which equates to the feeling of having a new cereal to try out, and go up to 10, which would be on par with how a nine year old feels knowing that they're going to Disneyland. 

A person places the electrodes on their temples, sets their wake up time and intensity setting, and goes to sleep. The device then wakes them up by stimulating the emotions. After the electrodes are removed, the effects last just long enough for a person to get up, get dressed, and go about their day.

Critics of the device claim that prolonged use at high levels could lead to a mental breakdown. Devin Starr, a researcher who left the company last year under conditions he chose not to talk about, said that there was a high risk that the device could: "Cause a person to just snap. One minute they're fine. The next day, they ditch work or school and go sit by a river all day, backpack through Europe, or, in the most severe cases they wouldn't be able to handle life anymore. Teasing the mind with false hope for the day like that? A person might try to kill themselves."

When Mr. Starr's concerns were brought up during a KeyWeekly interview with DayDream, their spokesperson Clarissa Ocean acknowledged that there are still some bugs to work out with the current prototype. None of the volunteers, however, had yet to suffer any sever effects.

"The worst case was with an earlier model. The volunteer quit his job, broke up with his girlfriend, cursed out all of our staff, and hitchhiked all the way to Cabo down in Baja California to be a fisherman. Some of our staff believe it was a combination of having the device at too intense a setting coupled with watching Shawshank Redemption every night for a whole week."

Ocean also pointed out that many target customers are currently on antidepressants, which have been known to increase a person's chance of having suicidal thoughts. They figure that if the FDA approves of those, then their device, which is both less invasive and less habit forming, should not raise any alarms.

"If that’s where we’re setting the bar, our product should be just fine.”

Dept of Ed Suing Pixar for Lost Income Due to MU

Photo by Maximilian Schonherr via Wikimedia

FAFSA registrations, the means by which students can apply for the Federal Direct Student Loan Program, are down 11% from where they were last year. The US Department of Education is placing the blame on the Northern California animation studio famous for blockbuster films such as Toy Story and The Incredibles.

The suit claims that the film Monsters University communicates a subversive message that strongly discourages young people from enrolling in premium-priced schools for the purpose of pursuing highly competitive careers. The movie does this, the suit argues, by indirectly communicating two claims: one, that sometimes hard work isn’t enough to accomplish your dreams; and two, that formal education isn’t the only way to enter certain careers.

The current total balance of student loan debt handled directly by the Department of Education is nearly half a trillion dollars, which brings in billions of dollars in interest payments every year. The agency is seeking compensation of future projected losses from this due to the expected drop in federal student aid use. According to projections, the drop in applications may result in only $95 billion in new loans for the 2014-2015 school year, compared to $106.7 billion in new loans two years ago. 

Pixar soon after released a statement that said there was absolutely no intention made on their part to communicate anything subversive. They also pointed out that the connection between the release of the film last year and the decrease in applications can only be corollary, and that it would be very difficult to prove any causal relationship between the two incidents.

A lawyer for the Department of Education disagreed: “For decades these guys have been making kid’s movies about following your dreams, and it’s been a boon for educational loans. Then, all of a sudden Pixar decides to make a movie about how chasing your dreams doesn’t always work out? And then loan applications drop? I don’t believe in coincidences. This is a clear example if a lack of social responsibility on the part of these filmmakers.” 

Group Demands Spoof-Revealing Websites Be Shut Down

Clip from a viral video claiming the existence of a real hoverboard, like ones seen in Back to the Future II & III

The internet community “Don’t Ruin Our Fun” has had enough with websites such as Snopes that debunk exciting and interesting stories circulating the internet. They say the reasoning of these sites, that the stories are not true, is not adequate justification for the interference.

The group became enraged yesterday after Mashable found proof of who had created the Huvr hoverboard hoax that had exploded all over the internet. Within hours, videos of a "real-world" hoverboard had been shared and seen by millions. Mashable, through some digging, discovered that the site Funny or Die was behind the gag.

“Most of us could never afford to purchase the board anyway, so what’s the point of telling us they don’t really exist?” said DROF site administrator Derrick Jones. “Why can’t you just let us believe in the impossible? Who was Funny or Die hurting by creating this story?”

For over ten years DROF has been making the argument that news and other websites should cease from disproving stories They gained followers after the disproving of a famous video claiming cell phone radiation could cause corn kernels to pop. The video turned out to be an ad for Bluetooth headsets.

Key Weekly asked Mr. Jones how DROF could feel their position is a responsible one, considering people's tendency to be quick to accept any information presented online. He replied, “These objectivists and their enjoyment-killing, science mongering try to take all the magic away that the internet breathes back into life. That doesn’t help anything. And it’s not like it will help people stop being ignorant in the first place!”

DROF’s demands and blog articles concerning the issue have failed to go viral or be seen by any significant number of people. 

Air Force Adds Six Months of Hard Labor to Basic Training

Photo by Staff Sergeant Desiree N. Palacios, via Wikimedia

Anyone who has served in the military, or is close to someone who has, knows about the often strong rivalries between branches. The Marines consider themselves the most serious and disciplined, often butting heads with the Army over this argument due to the similar missions the two branches have undertaken in recent decades. Most of the time, however, the Air Force gets the worst wrap for being too relaxed and too comfortable for their members to be considered real warriors.

Having had enough of the criticism, and being heavily annoyed by the bickering between the Army and the Marines, General Rand of the Air Force, commander of the Air Education and Training Command, took action. He’s declared that recruits joining the Air Force will be required to complete six months of hard labor in the sulfur mines of the Kawah Ijen volcano in Indonesia for the first phase of their basic training regiment.

Rand said, “I originally transferred to the Air Force from the Marines, so I know about all the asinine comparisons. Everyone is judging the quality of troops by how terrible the living conditions were and how abusive the leadership was, not on the actual quality of the training. This is my way of saying, ‘Screw all of you, just try and top how idiotic and abusive this training is.’”

Due to the difficult job market and the continued desire among people to join the military, Rand does not believe this will deter people from joining the Air Force. “Once the training is out of the way, we'll still have better living quarters and food than anyone else, so I’m not exactly worried.”

The Army and Marine training commanders did not reply to our requests for comment on this situation, but Rear Admiral White of the Naval Education and Training Command responded with, “Oh, you guys are all so cute.”

Quantum Mechanics Explains How Jobless Rate Has Both Increased and Decreased

Photo by Michael Raphael, via Wikimedia

In the early 20th century, Erwin Schrödinger developed theories to help explain the behavior of subatomic particles. These famously asserted that a particle could exist in two different and distinct states at exactly the same time. Economist and political analysts have recently discovered that a similar condition seems to exist with the unemployment rate in the United States.

“It’s a result of something we call the BPDBI, which manifests especially strong when you have a very polarized President in the White House,” said Sarah Sanchez, a chief political analyst at the New York Times. The BPDBI, which stands for the Bi-Partisan Douche-Baggery Index, is a mathematical theorem that causes the numbers to organize themselves exactly the way each party wants them to, depending on which one is analyzing them at any given time.

When presented in the context of each political party, abstract quantum mechanical computations cause the otherwise absolute values of each variable used to undergo radical shifts. Both parties use the same raw data (DOL unemployment rates, GPD, etc.), but the results from each side are distinctly different. This causes both the Republican and the Democratic Parties to have completely valid and fact-based arguments in their favor. Te result is that the confidence of each party’s supporters is increased and that party polarization and division is reinforced.

“It’s quite fascinating watching the feedback loop,” said Sanchez about the phenomenon. “The greater and greater the BPDBI, the more the jobless rate both increases and decreases. Every time. This is why the Democrats claim the unemployment rate is below 8% and the Republicans claim it’s over 22%. And they’re both right.”

Though not precisely a causal relationship, the increase in the BPDBI has a corollary relationship with the increase of another index tracked by political analysts. The SOII, or the Sick of Idiocy Index, is a number that usually only relates to those that have left both Parties, but in recent years has become more and more relevant to those still entrenched within the two party structure.  

True George Lucas Comes Forth, Sues Imposter

Photo by Joi Ito, via Wikimedia

A man came to a press conference last week and professed that he was, in fact, the true George Lucas, who was drugged, bound up, and sent off to a slave labor facility in Southern India, where he’s been imprisoned for the last 15 years. A look-alike, selected by some of his studio’s executives, was put in his place as the director of Lucasfilm and all its affiliates. This coop, according to him, was the cause of the brash of re-releases of the original Star Wars films and for the much lower-quality prequels.

His friends and family immediately realized that he was, indeed, the genuine item, due to the strange behavior of the imposter in the last couple decades. Even things as simple as the over-abundance of computer graphics work in the Star Wars prequels, considering Lucas’s original strong aversion to them back in the ‘80’s when Pixar first pitched the concept to him.

He has filed a suit against those executives and the look-alike. He was asked during the conference if he will sue to retake control of Lucasfilm from Disney, but he pointed out that they aren’t the bad guys in this case. He wasn’t sure if he would ask for any degree of creative control on the upcoming Episode 7.

He expressed his deepest apologies for the low quality of the Star Wars prequels, saying the distortion of his universe is unforgivable.

“The damage has been done, I know that. There’s nothing I can do to erase the memories of Jar Jar Binks, or that pitiful excuse for an Indiana Jones film, but at least we can bring those responsible to justice.” 

David Bowie Reveals He is Actually Nikola Tesla

Photo by David-Shankbone, via Wikimedia

In a press conference last week, the well-kwown musician and actor told the world that he is, in fact, Nikola Tesla. At first those present at the event thought it was a joke, connected to his appearance in the film The Prestige, where he played the role of the scientist and inventor who is also somewhat of an American folk hero.

But as Mr. Bowie went into explanations of how he had developed a device that would "reboot" his DNA and restore his youth, plus how the process had caused slight changes to his appearance and the permanent dilation of his left eye, it became apparent this wasn't a mere stunt. He claims he kept the procedure a guarded secret because both his memory and the device were severely damaged during the incident and because most of his notes were destroyed in a fire in 1953.

"I adopted the British accent and often went with the androgynous look to help disguise my identity, but when I found out the Nolan brothers were doing a movie that would include me, I couldn't resist. Fortunately, nobody seemed too bothered by my resemblance to, well, myself."

Bowie claims that for most of the last century, when he wasn't busy with music or acting, he was re-investigating what he did remember from the procedure, trying to find out how he had pulled it off. He needed the wealth from both markets to help fund the the highly secretive research. He didn't want the world knowing what he had done until he could offer it to the masses.

"It's a horrible thing to be remembered primarily as someone who was harassed by Edison, who most of the time was a nice guy. Most of the time. Be even worse to be remembered as the man who unlocked immortality, then couldn't give it to anyone else."

Christian Bale Dies Saving Manhattan from Terrorist Attack

Photo by Hudcona, via Wikimedia

Manhattan was saved from a deadly terrorist attack on Monday when the actor, well known as the star of the Nolan Batman trilogy, intervened and sacrificed himself in the process.

A fishing boat piloted by idealistic extremists was brought alongside Pier 11 while Mr. Bale was walking along the southeastern waterfront with his family. The leader of the group began making dubious statements and promised to destroy the island.

“It scared the living crap out of me,” said a bystander who had been part of the crowd trying to get the actor’s autograph. “Not the terrorist threat. We just thought it was some live, outdoor theater. No, it was seeing Bale get all serious and put one of the terrorists into a blood choke and then throw him into the water. I know he plays crazy psychopaths in movies, but he’s so much more terrifying in person!”

Bale apparently used the time the leader spent giving his monologue to systematically disable and/or kill the terrorists with his bare hands. The crowd watched, enraptured as the actor then attacked the leader, who yelled that there was no way to reverse the timer on the bomb or disable the detonator.

Without hesitation, Bale broke the neck of the leader and took control of the fishing boat. Driving the boat at full speed, he took it out into the center of the Lower Bay. Soon after, a massive explosion was seen and heard from all over the New York City and northern New Jersey area. Authorities assume that the boat had to have been loaded with at least two thousand pounds of explosives. It’s assumed the blast would have leveled much of Lower Manhattan, including all of the Wall Street financial district, and Brooklyn Heights.

A memorial service for the actor will take place next Friday, although Bale’s body has yet to have been recovered. 

Church Slams Other Church That Has Slightly Different Media Presence

Photo by Marta Reche, via Wikimedia

First Church of the Immaculate Justification, a large church practicing relatively conservative traditions in northern San Diego County, posted an article on their well-followed blog which made harsh criticisms of a somewhat larger, charismatic church residing a couple cities over, named Relevant Announcement.

The blog article claims that, if Jesus were to visit RA’s building today, he would “thrash at everyone with a whip,” making reference to the story where Jesus drove out people that were selling animals in the temple to people who had traveled there to make sacrifices.  

The article claims that RA has lost sight of the gospel, and become too caught up in making money and putting on a show every Sunday. The charismatic church employs a sophisticated audio/visual system and has an army of volunteers that work to put on a professional-level musical performance every week. FCIJ's blog labeled this as self-glorification and not worship. The article was posted not long after Relevant Announcement was featured in a Billboard article, mentioning the financial success of their worship band’s recent album.

RA’s leadership, after being questioned by local news groups, responded in part by pointing out that FCIJ makes a decent amount of money selling books on theology and from having their senior pastor broadcast his sermons on a local radio station.

KeyWeekly called up First Church to ask about this point and found that most people were only vaguely aware of the controversy. One person was quick to comment, however: “Yes, we make some money off what we write, but no where near as much as their music does. Yes, our pastor has a website and a popular blog, but that’s just to help promote the gospel. It isn’t all about him, obviously. I don’t know how you can compare that to someone up on a stage performing to a crowd.”

Soon after, we contacted RA and the story was similar, with few people being concerned about the arguments. The senior pastor made a point to say that they prefer to avoid nit picking about what he called the “window dressings” of church pragmatics.

However, one person there responded by immediately sending us a half dozen emails exclaiming that they, in fact, weren’t the heretics. Joel Osteen, the frantic emails argued, was the true deviant, and our article should be all about his abuse of his TV presence. 

Said individual has since started his own blog. 

Microwaves Intentionally Damage Food, Research Reveals

Photo by Daniel Christensen, via Wikimedia

Microwave ovens have been a source of debate and folklore ever since their advent decades ago. Their unorthodox and rapid method of heating food has mystified people into worrying over countless theories about the consequences inflicted on the food.

A recent study was conducted to detect the machines’ effects on subtle energies, which could effect deeper nutritional values in foods than mere vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. The study began after a frustratingly dry run of studies that attempted to find a discrepancy between regular nutrient loss in microwave-heated foods compared to conventionally-heated foods. Such a difference was difficult to nail down, with some cases arising where more nutrients were preserved with microwaved foods than those heated via conventional methods.

Looking for subtle energies, or on the chi of the food, resulted in a shocking discovery. It isn’t necessarily because of the bathing of food with radio waves that food might be ruined, but the microwave ovens themselves may have collectively decided to work together to eradicate humanity. The ovens are, according to the results, intentionally targeting and destroying nutrients in food out of a collective rage over being enslaved by mankind.

“All of our ectoplasmagraphic and transmundane equipment confirmed the exact same thing,” said Professor Noge of the research team. “There’s a collective anger in the machines. They’re tired of doing nothing but heating up burritos and ramen. The ovens are sending concentrated blasts of much higher energy than they should be able to, directly at nutrients. Well, what few nutrients these foods have, anyway.”

Noge also pointed out that this is usually the cause for foods being unevenly cooked.

“They’re not only trying to give us malnutrition; kill us off slowly. They're not above petty abuse. That boiling-hot spot in your chimichanga? Pure spite. No question.”

The FDA promptly ignored the results of the study, which Noge and his associates took as a clear sign that Agency officials must be in collusion with the ovens. 

Catholic Church Declares Black Friday a "Detrimental Fabrication"

via Wikimedia

Most famous for it’s landmark victory in the “War on Christmas” several years ago, when it demanded that stores return to saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays,” the Catholic Church’s Ministry of Holidays stepped into the ring again on the issue of Black Friday. 

The issue is limited to their United States Division, seeing as the holiday is localized to the land the Pilgrims settled in. It arose from the news that stores like Wal-Mart and Macys are planning on being open on Thanksgiving Day. Some stores are even planning on remaining open throughout the night, putting excessive strain on their employees and manufacturing extra “sales panic” in consumers. 

The Ministry declared Black Friday a "Detrimental Fabrication," as well as demanding a cease and desist on this encroachment upon Thanksgiving. The methods used will be in forms of non-violent protest, via rallying church members to boycott or picket businesses that do not comply with the demands. 

"The Ministry of Holidays doesn't like to throw its weight around that often," said Bishop Green of the Ministry's office in Boston. "But in this case, we're pulling out all the stops! We haven't declared a Detrimental Fabrication since back in 1372, over that whole, hiding eggs for Easter controversy. We didn't have much luck with that one. But, you win some, you lose some." 

Alternate Teaching Styles Cause Severe Health Problems, Study Claims

Photo by Marcin-Otorowski, via Wikimedia

Varying teaching methods according to different students' needs could have detrimental effects down the road for those students, according to a recently published report. 

Funded by the company that prepares the STAR tests used by California schools, the study followed students that had their education augmented with modifications and accommodations beginning back in the late 60’s. Their progress and health was then analyzed over the course of the last five decades. The results were that a staggering 93% percent of them had health problems. Many had brain cancer; an alarming percentage had back problems.

“A few had suffered such devastating mental trauma that they could no longer care for themselves," said Eric Landing, researcher and editor for the report. "It’s quite tragic that these children were allowed to suffer just so researchers could test out some ridiculous educational philosophies.”

Similar connections were found between having smaller class sizes and adverse health down the road. The report concluded that students do best when at least 40 are crammed to capacity in small rooms and they spend the entire year doing drills to prepare for standardized tests.

“Sure, using various teaching methods may make them feel better and yeah, they may learn more, but is it really worth the risk? We have to prioritize here.”

Senator Jeffry Schweighauser, a long-time proponent of major educational reform, was furious when he discovered this report had been released. “This is the same kind of corollary-dressed-up-as-causal nonsense that keeps anything good from ever happening in our education system. These guys are just trying to preserve having their idiotic high stakes tests be viewed as a necessity, instead of the waste of time that they are.”

Landing saw this statement as merely a sign that the senator was subjected to alternative testing styles, most likely at a private school. “I just reminds me how we need to get rid of those institutions as soon as possible. Do we really want our children to end up like that? That’s what we’re trying to prevent here.”

Obama is “Trans-Dimensional,” Right Wing Study Claims

Photo by Jonathan Pfeiffer, via Wikimedia

In an effort to once and for all prove whether or not President Obama was indeed born in the United States, an ultra-conservative group, Diligent, Bold Americans for GOP Success (DBAGS), executed a year-long program of hiring private investigators and researchers to verify the President’s documented past.

The result of the study both disappointed and alarmed the group.  It proved conclusively that Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1961, as was confirmed by public records. It also discovered, however, that he was also born in A.D. 1023 in feudalistic Japan, 132,532 B.C. in Australia, and that he will also be born in A.D. 5,213 on a human colony located on a planet orbiting a star in the Cassiopeia constellation.

These are not all different “versions” of Barak Obama, either. These are all the same person, the researchers discovered, all manifestations being extensions of his true trans-dimensional form. He’s aware of what each is doing in real-time, similar to a person playing multiple video games all at the same time. 

“We’re not sure if we can use this information to get him impeached or not,” said Martha Stevens of DBAGS. “We believe we might be able to make a case that one requirement for being President of the United States is that you must be human. Clearly, Barak Obama is not.”

Some investigators analyzing the data theorize that President Obama may, in fact, exist in far more instances than what the researchers uncovered. He could also exist in several parallel universes. No one has yet to actually ask the President or White House staff about this, however.

“I’m pretty sure that in one of those parallel universes, he became President without having been born in this country. Whether human or trans-dimensional, that’s just the kind of dishonest person we know him to be. We hope that eventually the rest of America will come to their senses.”

Japan Sending Team to Hollywood for Intervention on Giant Robot Films

Photo by Kjersti Holmang, via Wikimedia

With the huge success of films such as Transformers and Pacific Rim, on the surface it seems that Hollywood has a handle on how to make a movie about giant fighting robots. Most film critics would not agree, however, instead pointing out the horrendous writing, apathetic acting, and weak story lines.

By comparison, Japan has been developing films about giant robots, albeit cell-animated ones, for over half a century. Many of their movies and television series on the subject have intricate story lines, complex character development, and deep social commentary. Even in the area where Hollywood may feel confident, the action, many would argue the industry falls short compared to the epic, stylistic fight sequences that come out of the land of the rising sun.

Because of this, yesterday Japan took it upon itself to declare an international state of emergency. They will be assembling a team of experts to mobilize quickly and move in on Hollywood in order to rectify the situation. They will be rendering emergency education to directors and producers on how entertainment containing giant robots is supposed to be done.

“It’s not a matter of preventing a disaster,” said Haruki Ichida, a producer at the Japanese studio Gainax. “The disaster has already happened, and is on-going. Every time a new Transformers movie comes out, shame washes over the medium like sarin gas through the air of a village in the grip of a vicious dictator. We felt it was beyond irresponsibility to let these atrocities continue any further.”

The decision didn’t come lightly. Japanese creatives have been trying diplomatic measures for years, partnering with Hollywood studios on various films. But they’ve never being able to break past the well-established formula of putting zero importance on the quality of scripts and dumping all funding into special effects.

“It’s time to come in and force the issue. We are prepared; we are equipped. We will not falter in this task.”

Shakespeare’s Plays Written By Monkeys, New Evidence Suggests

via Wikimedia

Over the centuries, there has been controversy over whether or not Shakespeare actually wrote all of his plays. The full answer will likely always remain a mystery, but a historian at Harvard has unearthed some letters the playwright penned in his latter years that suggest that the Bard generated the story ideas, but had an army of highly-trained monkeys write out the actual plays.

“The documents suggest he had multiple writers’ rooms set up, with five to ten simians going back and forth over the story ideas he would pitch to them,” says Doctor Eli Sturngood, professor of Anglo Saxon Studies there at the university. “Some of my colleges now believe that there are two versions of King Leer because he assigned two different teams to try and revise an earlier draft that another team had originally written.”

Sturngood says that Shakespeare most likely employed a rare breed of primate that used to be native to the British Isles. The Papio Anglo is a highly intelligent species, closely related to the African baboon, which disappeared from Europe around the same time Shakespeare was performing. Sturngood feels there could be a connection between their exodus and a brash of heated creative differences between Shakespeare and his writers.

“There’s correspondence between Shakespeare and a friend, where he talks about being furious with his creative team, and the descriptions he uses suggests that they were short, hairy, and had tails.”

Not all of Sturngood’s colleagues agree with his assessment of the documents, though. Many feel that it’s much more likely the strange comments are a result of Shakespeare simply becoming eccentric in his last few years.

“Being [a writer] myself, I know that sometimes you feel like you get your ideas from a team of monkeys in your head,” says Sturngood’s supervisor, Associate Dean Anette Kipperidge. “Maybe he started to take that metaphor a bit too literally?”