Microwaves Intentionally Damage Food, Research Reveals

Photo by Daniel Christensen, via Wikimedia

Microwave ovens have been a source of debate and folklore ever since their advent decades ago. Their unorthodox and rapid method of heating food has mystified people into worrying over countless theories about the consequences inflicted on the food.

A recent study was conducted to detect the machines’ effects on subtle energies, which could effect deeper nutritional values in foods than mere vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. The study began after a frustratingly dry run of studies that attempted to find a discrepancy between regular nutrient loss in microwave-heated foods compared to conventionally-heated foods. Such a difference was difficult to nail down, with some cases arising where more nutrients were preserved with microwaved foods than those heated via conventional methods.

Looking for subtle energies, or on the chi of the food, resulted in a shocking discovery. It isn’t necessarily because of the bathing of food with radio waves that food might be ruined, but the microwave ovens themselves may have collectively decided to work together to eradicate humanity. The ovens are, according to the results, intentionally targeting and destroying nutrients in food out of a collective rage over being enslaved by mankind.

“All of our ectoplasmagraphic and transmundane equipment confirmed the exact same thing,” said Professor Noge of the research team. “There’s a collective anger in the machines. They’re tired of doing nothing but heating up burritos and ramen. The ovens are sending concentrated blasts of much higher energy than they should be able to, directly at nutrients. Well, what few nutrients these foods have, anyway.”

Noge also pointed out that this is usually the cause for foods being unevenly cooked.

“They’re not only trying to give us malnutrition; kill us off slowly. They're not above petty abuse. That boiling-hot spot in your chimichanga? Pure spite. No question.”

The FDA promptly ignored the results of the study, which Noge and his associates took as a clear sign that Agency officials must be in collusion with the ovens.