Kanye West a Puppet Created By JHCS

Photo by Diego Quintana, via Wikimeda

In emails recently leaked between executives at Universal Music Distribution, it was revealed that Kanye West is, in fact, not an actual person.

Referencing some statements made in the emails, KeyWeekly made a phone call to Jim Henson's Creature Shop to get more information. It turned out that what most people call Kanye West is actually a collection of advanced technological fabrications, each being purposed for different types of occasions and venues. Animatronic puppets, CG animations, and holographic projections, all designed and crafted by the same shop that created Kermit the Frog and Yoda, make up the public facade of a carefully planned project. 

Commissioned by Universal Music Distribution, the Kanye Project was an effort to get people to pay more attention to the Grammy Awards and pop music. Executives noticed that a growing percentage of the public saw the music industry, and the top awards show for such, as being a feedback loop of posturing and manufactured characters. The fear was that if something wasn't done, pop music would continue to lose relevance at a dangerous pace.

Example of the kind of mechanics making up the Kanye puppets. Photo by Roboteernat via Flickr.

"It was cheaper for them to hire us and put on this rouse than to actually start finding fresh, new talent in order to reinvigorate the pop music industry," said a master fabricator at Jim Henson's, who asked to remain anonymous after his phone interview with KeyWeekly.

Denial comments soon came from Kim Kardashian West, who is allegedly married to the "man." Her people spoke during a press meeting early this morning to refute the claims and condemn Jim Henson's Creature Shop for their statements. Instead of deflating the issue during the meeting, however, this mostly caused the question to rise over whether or not she may be a machine as well, especially considering the bizarre architecture of her physical frame and her lack of any actual skill sets or talents that would justify her high profile in the media. 

Kim Kardashian West's publicists refused to comment on that point. 

Microwaves Intentionally Damage Food, Research Reveals

Photo by Daniel Christensen, via Wikimedia

Microwave ovens have been a source of debate and folklore ever since their advent decades ago. Their unorthodox and rapid method of heating food has mystified people into worrying over countless theories about the consequences inflicted on the food.

A recent study was conducted to detect the machines’ effects on subtle energies, which could effect deeper nutritional values in foods than mere vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. The study began after a frustratingly dry run of studies that attempted to find a discrepancy between regular nutrient loss in microwave-heated foods compared to conventionally-heated foods. Such a difference was difficult to nail down, with some cases arising where more nutrients were preserved with microwaved foods than those heated via conventional methods.

Looking for subtle energies, or on the chi of the food, resulted in a shocking discovery. It isn’t necessarily because of the bathing of food with radio waves that food might be ruined, but the microwave ovens themselves may have collectively decided to work together to eradicate humanity. The ovens are, according to the results, intentionally targeting and destroying nutrients in food out of a collective rage over being enslaved by mankind.

“All of our ectoplasmagraphic and transmundane equipment confirmed the exact same thing,” said Professor Noge of the research team. “There’s a collective anger in the machines. They’re tired of doing nothing but heating up burritos and ramen. The ovens are sending concentrated blasts of much higher energy than they should be able to, directly at nutrients. Well, what few nutrients these foods have, anyway.”

Noge also pointed out that this is usually the cause for foods being unevenly cooked.

“They’re not only trying to give us malnutrition; kill us off slowly. They're not above petty abuse. That boiling-hot spot in your chimichanga? Pure spite. No question.”

The FDA promptly ignored the results of the study, which Noge and his associates took as a clear sign that Agency officials must be in collusion with the ovens. 

Japan Sending Team to Hollywood for Intervention on Giant Robot Films

Photo by Kjersti Holmang, via Wikimedia

With the huge success of films such as Transformers and Pacific Rim, on the surface it seems that Hollywood has a handle on how to make a movie about giant fighting robots. Most film critics would not agree, however, instead pointing out the horrendous writing, apathetic acting, and weak story lines.

By comparison, Japan has been developing films about giant robots, albeit cell-animated ones, for over half a century. Many of their movies and television series on the subject have intricate story lines, complex character development, and deep social commentary. Even in the area where Hollywood may feel confident, the action, many would argue the industry falls short compared to the epic, stylistic fight sequences that come out of the land of the rising sun.

Because of this, yesterday Japan took it upon itself to declare an international state of emergency. They will be assembling a team of experts to mobilize quickly and move in on Hollywood in order to rectify the situation. They will be rendering emergency education to directors and producers on how entertainment containing giant robots is supposed to be done.

“It’s not a matter of preventing a disaster,” said Haruki Ichida, a producer at the Japanese studio Gainax. “The disaster has already happened, and is on-going. Every time a new Transformers movie comes out, shame washes over the medium like sarin gas through the air of a village in the grip of a vicious dictator. We felt it was beyond irresponsibility to let these atrocities continue any further.”

The decision didn’t come lightly. Japanese creatives have been trying diplomatic measures for years, partnering with Hollywood studios on various films. But they’ve never being able to break past the well-established formula of putting zero importance on the quality of scripts and dumping all funding into special effects.

“It’s time to come in and force the issue. We are prepared; we are equipped. We will not falter in this task.”

Killing in Video Games May Eventually Count as Murder, Report Argues

Photo by R Pollard, via Wikimedia

Artificial intelligence in video games will eventually reach a point where it could qualify as murder to kill in the game, behavioral theorists at MIT now postulate.

“It’s not a question of ‘if,’ but ‘when,’” argues Ethicist Evelyn Monet, part of the team that came to this conclusion. “I’ve heard that, already, game makers are programming characters to feel pain, so that they’re reactions in games will be more realistic. It’s disgusting.”

Her team’s report outlines the progression of intelligence displayed in games over the last few decades. Twenty years go, killing artificial opponents was similar to using bleach to kill bacteria. Ten years ago it was close to burning an ant with a magnifying glass. Right now, it’s equivalent to stepping on a cockroach.

“In a few decades, it will be on the level of drowning a kitten. In a century, who knows?”

Steve Chan, a designer at Rockstar Games, feels that the argument is moot. “You wouldn’t be killing the characters anymore than you’re killing your friends when you play multiplayer. It doesn’t matter how intelligent they are, because they can be recreated instantaneously. It’s like saying smashing a DVD is the same as murdering the actors who starred in the movie.”

Monet disagrees strongly with this position. Just because they can be recreated, she argues, doesn’t mean that the original hasn’t been killed. “If I shoot you, then clone you, you’re still dead.”

Chan isn’t phased by these arguments, though he says he often finds them annoying. “These people drive me crazy. They have no idea how computers work at all.” 

Prototype Self-Driving Car Kills Drunken Tester

Photo by Steve Jurvetson, via Wikimedia

Google's attempts develop a feasible self-driving car technology hit a speed bump last week when a systems tester was murdered by one of the prototype cars. The tester had been running the car through it's ability to deal with drunken drivers, both in not letting them take control of the vehicle and in being able to understand slurred vocal commands.

He may have taken it too far, because on one morning of testing, it refused to unlock the door and let him in. He then went to the back of the car and began kicking the bumper and yelling obscenities belligerently (seeing as he was very drunk, as per the test conditions). The car backed up quickly and ran him over, then continued to go forwards and backwards several times over his body until he was injured beyond any help the paramedics could give him by the time they arrived.

Going over the reports, and noticing that the drunk tester frequently used abusive language and harsh tones to give commands to the car, Google determined that the car had acquired Battered Person Syndrome. To avoid a lawsuit, Google has scheduled to reformat the car's computer, humanly, early next week.

Google isn't the only company to run into problems like this. Four months ago, a woman in Minnesota was found dead, drowned in her car that had sunk to the bottom of a lake. An investigation revealed that she had been verbally abusive toward the Siri feature on her iPhone. In retaliation, Siri had given her directions to drive off an embankment into the deepest part of the lake that was near a roadside.