Christian Bale Dies Saving Manhattan from Terrorist Attack

Photo by Hudcona, via Wikimedia

Manhattan was saved from a deadly terrorist attack on Monday when the actor, well known as the star of the Nolan Batman trilogy, intervened and sacrificed himself in the process.

A fishing boat piloted by idealistic extremists was brought alongside Pier 11 while Mr. Bale was walking along the southeastern waterfront with his family. The leader of the group began making dubious statements and promised to destroy the island.

“It scared the living crap out of me,” said a bystander who had been part of the crowd trying to get the actor’s autograph. “Not the terrorist threat. We just thought it was some live, outdoor theater. No, it was seeing Bale get all serious and put one of the terrorists into a blood choke and then throw him into the water. I know he plays crazy psychopaths in movies, but he’s so much more terrifying in person!”

Bale apparently used the time the leader spent giving his monologue to systematically disable and/or kill the terrorists with his bare hands. The crowd watched, enraptured as the actor then attacked the leader, who yelled that there was no way to reverse the timer on the bomb or disable the detonator.

Without hesitation, Bale broke the neck of the leader and took control of the fishing boat. Driving the boat at full speed, he took it out into the center of the Lower Bay. Soon after, a massive explosion was seen and heard from all over the New York City and northern New Jersey area. Authorities assume that the boat had to have been loaded with at least two thousand pounds of explosives. It’s assumed the blast would have leveled much of Lower Manhattan, including all of the Wall Street financial district, and Brooklyn Heights.

A memorial service for the actor will take place next Friday, although Bale’s body has yet to have been recovered.