Groot Speaks New Line in “Guardians,” 3K Fans Kill Themselves

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It was one derivation too many.

Deeply mortified by the many unfaithful renditions of favorite comic book characters on screen, 3,201 fans killed themselves Thursday night in the traditional Japanese disembowelment ceremony. The incident took place all across America as they walked out of theaters right after watching the new Marvel Studios film, “Guardians of the Galaxy.”

What pushed them over the edge was Vin Diesel’s performance of the character Groot. The character, which is a super-powered, sentient tree-person, has never before in any medium said anything besides “I am Groot.” However, there is one scene in the film where the character says something slightly different. It created a very powerful moment in the story, but that wasn't justification enough for many.

“We just couldn’t handle any more,” said Jeff Barry, one fan living in Los Angeles who chose not to kill himself after going to the midnight showing last night.  “We were already pretty broken up over all that Thor-becoming-a-woman, shock-publicity [stuff]. Then DC gives Wonder Woman a Xena outfit. And now this, violating Groot. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this anymore.”

Jeff has been ostracized by his family over the dishonor of his cowardice in refusing to partake of the suicidal rites, he said to KeyWeekly. Both Marvel and Disney reps have issued statements of sympathy over the disappointment, but they have elected not to edit the scene out. Disney marketing executive Linda Post’s argument was simply, “Frankly, it makes the movie better. And almost no one cares.”

Editor’s Note: Not long after the interview, Jeff’s family called up to thank us for reaching out to him. Soon after he spoke with KeyWeekly he sliced open his belly in front of the Marvel Studios building in Burbank, restoring his honor.