Alternate Teaching Styles Cause Severe Health Problems, Study Claims

Photo by Marcin-Otorowski, via Wikimedia

Varying teaching methods according to different students' needs could have detrimental effects down the road for those students, according to a recently published report. 

Funded by the company that prepares the STAR tests used by California schools, the study followed students that had their education augmented with modifications and accommodations beginning back in the late 60’s. Their progress and health was then analyzed over the course of the last five decades. The results were that a staggering 93% percent of them had health problems. Many had brain cancer; an alarming percentage had back problems.

“A few had suffered such devastating mental trauma that they could no longer care for themselves," said Eric Landing, researcher and editor for the report. "It’s quite tragic that these children were allowed to suffer just so researchers could test out some ridiculous educational philosophies.”

Similar connections were found between having smaller class sizes and adverse health down the road. The report concluded that students do best when at least 40 are crammed to capacity in small rooms and they spend the entire year doing drills to prepare for standardized tests.

“Sure, using various teaching methods may make them feel better and yeah, they may learn more, but is it really worth the risk? We have to prioritize here.”

Senator Jeffry Schweighauser, a long-time proponent of major educational reform, was furious when he discovered this report had been released. “This is the same kind of corollary-dressed-up-as-causal nonsense that keeps anything good from ever happening in our education system. These guys are just trying to preserve having their idiotic high stakes tests be viewed as a necessity, instead of the waste of time that they are.”

Landing saw this statement as merely a sign that the senator was subjected to alternative testing styles, most likely at a private school. “I just reminds me how we need to get rid of those institutions as soon as possible. Do we really want our children to end up like that? That’s what we’re trying to prevent here.”