Kanye West a Puppet Created By JHCS

Photo by Diego Quintana, via Wikimeda

In emails recently leaked between executives at Universal Music Distribution, it was revealed that Kanye West is, in fact, not an actual person.

Referencing some statements made in the emails, KeyWeekly made a phone call to Jim Henson's Creature Shop to get more information. It turned out that what most people call Kanye West is actually a collection of advanced technological fabrications, each being purposed for different types of occasions and venues. Animatronic puppets, CG animations, and holographic projections, all designed and crafted by the same shop that created Kermit the Frog and Yoda, make up the public facade of a carefully planned project. 

Commissioned by Universal Music Distribution, the Kanye Project was an effort to get people to pay more attention to the Grammy Awards and pop music. Executives noticed that a growing percentage of the public saw the music industry, and the top awards show for such, as being a feedback loop of posturing and manufactured characters. The fear was that if something wasn't done, pop music would continue to lose relevance at a dangerous pace.

Example of the kind of mechanics making up the Kanye puppets. Photo by Roboteernat via Flickr.

"It was cheaper for them to hire us and put on this rouse than to actually start finding fresh, new talent in order to reinvigorate the pop music industry," said a master fabricator at Jim Henson's, who asked to remain anonymous after his phone interview with KeyWeekly.

Denial comments soon came from Kim Kardashian West, who is allegedly married to the "man." Her people spoke during a press meeting early this morning to refute the claims and condemn Jim Henson's Creature Shop for their statements. Instead of deflating the issue during the meeting, however, this mostly caused the question to rise over whether or not she may be a machine as well, especially considering the bizarre architecture of her physical frame and her lack of any actual skill sets or talents that would justify her high profile in the media. 

Kim Kardashian West's publicists refused to comment on that point. 

Shipping Error Sends Explosives to ISS Instead of ISIS

Photo Courtesy of NASA

The latest re-supply rocket that was sent to the International Space Station had an unexpected parcel aboard, in the form of about fifty pounds of Semtex plastic explosives. The astronauts weren't in any danger, because the compound is very stable unless rigged to a special blasting cap, but they were quite confused.

The package's intended destination was the ISIS military group in Iraq. It's believed that a combination of the similarity in the acronyms, the poor reliability of shipping companies in post-Soviet nations, and the difficulty in visually distinguishing processed rations from the putty-like explosive compounds resulted in the mix-up. The mistake probably would have been caught if not for the mission having been rushed, due to the recent launch failure of the last resupply mission.

It's currently unknown if ISIS received the packages of Russian carbohydrate/protein bars that were supposed to be part of the resupply mission payload. KeyWeekly sought out a representative of their organization for comment, but has yet to receive a response.

What the astronauts aboard the space station are going to do with the Semtex is also unknown. Considering the overwhelming cost of sending supplies into orbit, they are planning on possibly doing some experiments with explosions in micro-gravity and ultra-low atmosphere conditions. Experiments done very far away from the station itself, obviously.

"We're scientists who ride into space on tin cans filled with explosives," said flight engineer Douglas Schelling. "We're not quite as worried about having this stuff kicking around as you might think."

Maker of Tinder Designing App for 2016 Election

Test image of "Voter" application

In order to get more Millennials involved in the democratic process, the Federal Election Commission has contracted IAC/InterActiveCorp to develop a voting app that operates similarly to their popular dating application “Tinder.” The intention is to use the system in the 2016 presidential election. The hope, according to the FEC, is that with people able to vote for candidates from the convenience of their phone, using a fun interface, they will be more likely to participate.

Some are worried about the security of using wireless, online networks, especially in light of the recent break-ins of a number of Apple Cloud accounts that are owned by celebrities. IAC has assured critics that their security measures are much more reliable than people realize.

A representative of the company, Cheryl Chan, made a case that digital voting is at least more reliable than the absentee mail-in system: “There, you have a bunch of retired people, hired from a temp agency, spending eight hours a day comparing signatures on envelopes to signatures displayed on a computer monitor. Our security software doesn’t have poor eyesight, get tired, or get bored, so I’m pretty confident.”

Most opponents aren’t dissuaded by this, saying that the entire concept undermines the seriousness of the action. “Electing the leader of a nation isn’t something you should do in-between texting and watching Vines,” said Dominic Sanchez, a former California state senator, who is leading a non-profit group demanding that the FEC repeal the decision. “Voting is a civil duty, and should be done with a knowledge of the weight behind it.”

FEC administrator Kevin Palmer dismissed the concerns. “The data shows that people put about the same amount of thought into how they pick their president as they do choosing who to hook up with on a dating app. Not very much.”

Groot Speaks New Line in “Guardians,” 3K Fans Kill Themselves

Poster property of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

It was one derivation too many.

Deeply mortified by the many unfaithful renditions of favorite comic book characters on screen, 3,201 fans killed themselves Thursday night in the traditional Japanese disembowelment ceremony. The incident took place all across America as they walked out of theaters right after watching the new Marvel Studios film, “Guardians of the Galaxy.”

What pushed them over the edge was Vin Diesel’s performance of the character Groot. The character, which is a super-powered, sentient tree-person, has never before in any medium said anything besides “I am Groot.” However, there is one scene in the film where the character says something slightly different. It created a very powerful moment in the story, but that wasn't justification enough for many.

“We just couldn’t handle any more,” said Jeff Barry, one fan living in Los Angeles who chose not to kill himself after going to the midnight showing last night.  “We were already pretty broken up over all that Thor-becoming-a-woman, shock-publicity [stuff]. Then DC gives Wonder Woman a Xena outfit. And now this, violating Groot. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this anymore.”

Jeff has been ostracized by his family over the dishonor of his cowardice in refusing to partake of the suicidal rites, he said to KeyWeekly. Both Marvel and Disney reps have issued statements of sympathy over the disappointment, but they have elected not to edit the scene out. Disney marketing executive Linda Post’s argument was simply, “Frankly, it makes the movie better. And almost no one cares.”

Editor’s Note: Not long after the interview, Jeff’s family called up to thank us for reaching out to him. Soon after he spoke with KeyWeekly he sliced open his belly in front of the Marvel Studios building in Burbank, restoring his honor.

"Parks and Rec" Undermines Pay for Play, Says SEC

Image © NBC - Universal

The US Securities and Exchanges Commission recently charged NBC-Universal and Amy Poehler with a $20M penalty, citing that the popular comedy program "Parks and Recreation" has propagated the idea that a government can accomplish things through hard work and authenticity.

The suit specifically takes issue with the show's propagation of the idea that law change and elections can happen outside the current, well-established methods of paying millions of dollars to indoctrinate critical opinions and viewpoints into the people. The fear is that this could destroy lobbying and the other complex systems through which governmental action normally takes place.

The SEC made it quite clear that they weren't exactly condoning unfair manipulation of the electoral system. Quite to the contrary, the $20,000,000 is meant to help cover the losses the SEC expects to incur if politicians begin seeing success through other than corrupt means. Without politicians and lobbyists executing corrupt practices, the number of Pay for Play violations each year charged for such practices would decrease significantly, as would the number of violation penalties the SEC can charge.

SEC regulations typically require politicians and lobbyists to play a complex game of cheating and bribing, with the belief that as long as they play within the rules, no one gets caught. Authenticity would destroy this carefully designed system. If political groups no longer play along, the SEC's specially designed accountability may no longer be necessary. 

"At the end of the day, we're talking about people's jobs," said Alexandra Wary, a PR representative at the SEC. "A bureaucracy this dense takes a lot of people to keep running. You try and change things, you'll put hundreds of thousands out on the street without work. NBC, apparently, doesn’t seem to care about those people."

NBC and Poehler have yet to comment. 

Hurricane Season Cancelled Due to FEMA Budget Cuts

From Wikimedia.

In order to recover funds during the current fiscal year, the White House mandated that the Federal Emergency Management Agency cancel the Atlantic hurricane season for 2014.

This period of the year, which begins in early June and ends in late November, is usually when people on the East Coast of the United States have to be very cautious and prepare for high winds, heavy rain, and flooding. The season can be especially destructive in the Southeastern corner of the United States. In just the four years, various hurricanes have caused multiple deaths and over one hundred billion dollars in damage. Because 2013 was a very light year for hurricanes and hurricane-related damage, the decision was made to forgo the season altogether this year.

"It's a relief," Sean Bodel, owner of an independent hardware store in Miami, Florida, said about the cancellation. "But it will hurt my business a little. Won't be going through duct tape and plywood in droves during September as much."

Not everyone is happy about the decision, however. International contractors who often win government contracts for repairs needed after a hurricane are speaking out against it. Billions of dollars go into such repairs, and the loss of government business will be a tough pill to swallow.

"These are a regular part of our sustenance," said Jeffry Johnson, a representative of URS Corporation. "You can't announce information like this right as the season was supposed to start. It's very irresponsible. These are local, American jobs being lost that we're talking about, here." 

ADM Compensator Helps With Waking Up

Photo by Christopher Klutts, via Wikimedia

If a person doesn't enjoy getting out of bed in the early hours of the day, they're usually just labeled as "not a morning person." Recent research, however has suggested that this could be a symptom of a more serious condition.

Anticipation Deprivation Malady, or ADM, is estimated to afflict 20-50 million Americans on a regular basis. A lack of anything to look forward to in the day causes a drop in chemical messengers in the brain that usually trigger a feeling of alertness and focus. Most people deal with this by drinking caffeine-rich beverages, but regular use can lead to a chemical dependence that over time can cause its benefits to become negligible.

A company based in Alaska, where sleep issues can be very severe due to the strange daylight patterns during the summer and winter, has developed what they believe to be a solution. DayDream Inc. has been doing tests with their DDA-04, an ADM compensator device, for the last three years. And the results look promising.

The device stimulates the emotions that would come with a person having something they’re looking forward to in the morning. Levels start at 1, which equates to the feeling of having a new cereal to try out, and go up to 10, which would be on par with how a nine year old feels knowing that they're going to Disneyland. 

A person places the electrodes on their temples, sets their wake up time and intensity setting, and goes to sleep. The device then wakes them up by stimulating the emotions. After the electrodes are removed, the effects last just long enough for a person to get up, get dressed, and go about their day.

Critics of the device claim that prolonged use at high levels could lead to a mental breakdown. Devin Starr, a researcher who left the company last year under conditions he chose not to talk about, said that there was a high risk that the device could: "Cause a person to just snap. One minute they're fine. The next day, they ditch work or school and go sit by a river all day, backpack through Europe, or, in the most severe cases they wouldn't be able to handle life anymore. Teasing the mind with false hope for the day like that? A person might try to kill themselves."

When Mr. Starr's concerns were brought up during a KeyWeekly interview with DayDream, their spokesperson Clarissa Ocean acknowledged that there are still some bugs to work out with the current prototype. None of the volunteers, however, had yet to suffer any sever effects.

"The worst case was with an earlier model. The volunteer quit his job, broke up with his girlfriend, cursed out all of our staff, and hitchhiked all the way to Cabo down in Baja California to be a fisherman. Some of our staff believe it was a combination of having the device at too intense a setting coupled with watching Shawshank Redemption every night for a whole week."

Ocean also pointed out that many target customers are currently on antidepressants, which have been known to increase a person's chance of having suicidal thoughts. They figure that if the FDA approves of those, then their device, which is both less invasive and less habit forming, should not raise any alarms.

"If that’s where we’re setting the bar, our product should be just fine.”